batman tramp stamp. Dibs.
So dude, she and I just got done having the most amazing sex, and then she rolled over and said that "lets make some tacos" and proceeded to the kitchen... naked... I'm buying the ring tomorrow
Even the French judge on the olympics would give that a 10
It's been five and a half years since she and my brother stopped dating. I feel like that's a long enough grace period. Going for it.
he stopped making out with me and said "can I make you grilled cheese? I feel like I owe YOU something"
Life lesson: When you compete in an impromptu "bloody mary chug-off," in the end, no one wins.
Everything was yummy and fruit flavored and five alive and happymeas.
Cop came to our door looking for you. Something about sex in public and intoxication. I said you matched the description.
he told me "apparently my gag reflex doesn't work so if you magically grew a penis I would deep throat you"
Did you clean his pubes up off the table yet?
I can now recognize that when my wine bottle reaches a certain point, I probably shouldn't tweet, text or call anyone. RESPONSIBILITY
I don't even care that it's before church. I feel like God actually wants me to have this shower beer.
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
Are you drunk? You left me a voicemail at 5:59 AM of you making dolphin sounds.
I got dominos and had to stop whilst eating and take a moment of silence for how good it was
did he think i wouldnt notice the naked girl in the backseat
Randomize
