I'm talking handstands, sex in broad daylight, waking me up in the middle of the night. CRAZY
handstands? WTF?
she was a gymnast
go to hell.
Should I go home with him even though I know my Run DMC undies have skid marks on them?
can I come stay the night
yeah, but no sex tonight
I'll stay home
So you really have to stop introducing me to girls and afterwards saying "he has his dick pierced" let them find out for themselves
if we break up, blackout me is coming back, making out with everything in sight
I just got kidnapped by the rugby team for a scavenger hunt. I'm "the girl you had sex with last night"
This bitch flirting at the bar needs to close her legs and open up a book. I can literally feel my IQ dropping every time she bends down to show her tits.
Jealous?
Very.
I have no idea how I got home or why I am naked but I assume I owe you a thank you...
You're lucky you got out when you did, about an hour later the girl in the Franzia box started wrestling everyone.
My parents just told me that if I stop drinking I could do something great with my life...
They obliviously haven't seen you dance on top of a pool table then
I guess I'm just gonna have to learn to live with the fact that I'm the guy who takes his pants off at the party and tries to start an orgy
When I was sick she came over with Call of Duty, animal crackers and a handjob. Honor says I can't dump her until Easter
Had a rough day but my boyfriend made that all better by going down on me while letting me watch Top Gear... I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
Realization: many of my behaviors would lead to me being stoned to death in a lot of foreign countries. God bless America.
I am so dumb. I made a mistake and let him get away.
Don't worry, there are other penises in the sea.
Thanks, mom.
Randomize
