So i just bought beer on a credit card, using a fake ID, while wearing my nametag from work. All 3 have different names on them. God i love my boobs.
Yeah, I have to wait a few months then take a sample in, I asked the doctor if the sample could be wiped off my wife's back...i told her he said face only.
my one-armed grandma is doing the YMCA. you figure it out.
After that we used the in-room hotel coffee pot to warm up some queso. it was brilliant
...just for future reference, one Four Loko can fits PERFECTLY in a venti iced coffee cup from Starbucks
I just watched the lion king for the first time in years. It's like the equivalent of a really good blow job.
We broke up in downtown Nashville with drunken, blow up penis waving bachelorette parties walking by. For some reason I can see this ending up as a country music video.
Just don't eat pie out of the sink. It's a real blow to the self esteem.
One minute you were celebrating, the next you were bleeding all over your Nikes.
We were on the ground in Tampa for 55 hours and we drank for 30 of them.
We won Spring Training 2013.
If I ever go to Canada, I'm fucking the maple syrup out of his Canadian ass.
I watch one musical on Netflix, and the "Suggested for you" section is literally almost the entire gay movie category. I feel profiled, and netflixs' accuracy about my sexuality is both impressive and offensive.
Imagine how different my life would be if I could find a man who gave me more pleasure than pizza at 2am when I'm drunk.
I'm all about clean living these days
You started your day with fried chicken and a bloody
... after you woke up in your own urine
I was stuffing my face while buying a brownie and coffee and some kid I fucked came up behind me and said. Someone's hungry.
Randomize
