im in a kiddie pool, high, with a keg in arms reach. If i had a sandwich and a blowjob this would be the best day ever
He started yelling "we're making a baby" mid thrust.. probably not the right guy for me right?
I looked him in the face and asked if we could stop. he asked why. I said "I can't feel it.". ...I feel bad; I should have faked.
we all know badassery is carried on the XX chromosome
I'm going to leave the fate of whether I go to my midterms up to my dealer hitting me up or not
Fourth time I had to be woken up in the line of Whataburger in two weeks. First time my shirt was free of vomit.
This might sound awkward, but can I borrow a dildo for class?
NEVERCLEAR, NEVER AGAIN.
At one point, you closed your eyes and asked me which 'six flags' we were at
I should start an etsy shop with all the jewelry and clothes women leave at my house
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
someone stole all your weed so you told us you were planning each of our deaths
I just had sex on my kitchen counter. It's like the American dream
He deserves someone who will touch his penis at 3 a.m.
he drove over two hours to fuck me and came in 3 minutes. he got mad when I asked him if it was worth it...
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