There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
I was going to call you an awful person for that. but then i realized we're both awful people.
Really* awful people.
I'm at Home Depot to get supplies to fix the wall we cracked by fucking too hard against the bookshelf.
Babe. Honestly. Trust me. Your balls are not that big. And i'm eager.
no drinking for a week
if by week you mean tonight and by no you means yes
While I was fucking him, he grabbed a taco off his shelf and started eating it. I had taco dripped on me. I have no idea where the taco came from.
The bouncer called to give me my shoes back when I got there he said " I'm all cool with fuvking bitches but when you try to to do it in my bar on the pool table you're gonna get chocked out every time"
At least you got your shooes
I'm the only one who goes to a bar and leaves with an extra twenty bucks and a pumpkin.
All I do lately is eat steak, drink warm beer, watch porn, and avoid booty calls when I'm too lazy to take a shower. I think the apocalypse turned me into a dude.
He expects to fuck my tits but will ignore me in public.
He's getting me an energy drink and said good morning beautiful. He must sense i'm cutting him off from the sex.
It would seem she's painting a bullseye right in between her legs
WTF ARE YOU DOING IT'S FUCKING VEGAN COFFEE IT'S MADE WITH NUT MILK YOU'RE NOT A FUCKING SQUIRREL.
i mean ive seen your left buttcheek how much more bro can this get
You call it sex. I call it penis conditioning.
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