why is it that no matter what your novelty license plate says it always screams "im a huge tool"?
You know its bad when you're praying for a hangover just so you aren't still drunk at work anymore.
It was all fun and games until Tim shit on the end table
Something about a hand job in a car doesn't scream girlfriend
I don't think there was a moment this weekend where grey goose did not course through my veins
we all took turns holding you up and pretending that you were simba and that we were presenting you to the jungle
Luckily my prof thought I was puking from nerves and gave me motivational mini speeches the entire final.
I need to establish a pattern of dominance early.... I'm like a slutty Cesar Milan
I'm sorry. I just realized our 'big night out' ended up being you driving my high ass to get burritos and back.
Just found a condom on my floor from last weekend. 2/2. The scavenger hunt is over.
Turns out he's not a Doctor Who fan, I mumbled Alons-y as I went down on him. He asked who Alan was. No more drunk sex for me!
I'm sitting here with a heating pad and a fan on me eating snow caps off of my boobs
I didn't even respond. Just letting the crazy settle before I calmly fuck his shit up.
Are you alone?
No, but I have to leave him in my bed while I go on this date.
you were grinding on the cop whispering for him to lend you his tazer.
Randomize
