I am no longer a man. I just realized I prefer Spongebob to college football.
She asked the class if starwars was based on a true story...
you told him you liked to chip your nail polish to look like different countries. im gonna guess that no, you didn't sleep with him.
Woke up with an epic boner today, the kind where you can spin books and shit on it. FYI: don't try spinning an encyclopedia
you tried to pee on a squirrel and everyone saw. you've got some serious untagging to do
When you get home we need to compare our schedules and set up masturbation slots. I'm scares of you walking in on me. Again.
He told me that he wanted to break up with his girl friend but only after we had sex, only for him to make sure I'm worth it..
She was crying, alone at a college bar. It would have been rude NOT to try and show my penis to her.
She made me sing happy birthday to myself at the urinal.
If I don't get my shit together, I'm going to be one of those really fucked up cases on 1000 ways to die
Just got smoked out by my boss. Working in politics is great.
Blood work from physical was all good, apparently heavy alcohol use agrees with me
The ONLY reason I am doing laundry is because all my sweatpants are dirty.
Im sorry you'll never get the feeling of closeness when you go to pee outside and you realize you're peeing right where someone else just peed
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
Randomize
