Dude, a dry wedding reception should nullify the vows, because really, without the booze, you might as well be 5 years old again and playing dress-up
it was like fucking gandolphs beard
Let's make a pact to never get in a cab at 3am together unless it's to go home or for pizza.
Come over, I want to eat cookie dough off your dick.
Dropping the entire last roll of TP into the toilet is a hurt you don't want to know.
And, through a series of unfortunate events, I am at my grandmothers birthday party in a short dress and no underwear
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
Dude that chick had a dog in her car. Like when she goes bar hoping so does roofus. He gaurds the car.
I had no idea he had such passive aggressive animalistic tendencies. This is the human equivalent of peeing on someone.
They are going to name an STD after you.
By god, his vagina is better looking than mine.
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
if he ever tells me he loves me when we are sober, i am a goner. just fyi.
Tomorrow is my bachelor party. If I die tomorrow, please know I graded you a "check" as a sister. "Check-minus" when you got mouthy.
You poured all their beer into ziploc baggies so it would be "better on the go"
Randomize
