Oh man I wish you'd been in the car w/ me today. I followed a school bus home filled w/ young boys and I flipped them off the entire way. They loved it.
he's a bartender at a gay strip club. maybe he can work his magic. with getting u in, not gay magic.
For a whole 2 minutes you were convinced you were talking to my voicemail
so i woke up.. still drunk and discovered my roommate in the living room passed out dick-in-hand watching porn..
What did u do?
turned the porn up and opened the windows so everybody goin to class could see him..
all of your clothes are in the front law. btw..sprinklers go on in 20 minutes
I love watching the kids I sold drugs to score touchdowns
HOW DID YOU END UP IN THE BATHROOM WITH A DANCER AFTER 12 MINUTES?
She trust falled out of a window. It was like that scene from A Little Princess but with a lot more blood.
After last night I think its official. Deep down, we like alcohol more than we like women.
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
Let's FaceTime each other while we shotgun beers
Do you think this 2 hour Amazon delivery thing works on vibrators? Cause that would be clutch
He wore pink swim trunks on our date and repeatedly insulted my profession, but his cat kept standing up like a person to nuzzle my face and I felt like a Disney Princess. I hate this dude, but the cat is too amazing for me to not fake interest for.
Just bought plan b at 8am. Then the cashier asked if I wanted to donate to the children's miracle network. Fml
Dude I turned down free booze. I think I'm growing as a person.
Randomize
