I just spit my fake tooth out at a customer. I think he thought it was my bubble gum though so it's ok.
The streak lives on, still havent been to Towson without throwing up
why didn't you say something constructive like "stop chugging that vodka"?
His housemate was playing a sad violin solo for me on my way out. God I hate musicians.
someone left their shoes, a resume, and a pizza in the shower... i am actually speechless
There is a clear recurring theme of me having sex in restrooms that really needs to stops
i take my contacts out every time we fuck so i cant see all the stretch marks
Just described your amazing cock to a complete stranger. I am officially the worst wingman (chick) ever.
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
You have no idea the kind of bodily contortions I had to do to access your neighbor's WIFI
Why was I drunk tweeting incorrect Beyonce lyrics last night?
Dicks are not precious.
My mom just came upstairs handed me an Adderall and asked if I could help her wash the ceilings
Left my wallet at the store. Wouldn't have noticed if the joint I just rolled wasn't in it.
i think i'm just going to start having sex with his brother, he's much hotter and it would definately be less illegal.
Randomize
