the power's out. i'm smoking weed by flashlight
i wish i was dedicated to anything like you are to weed
Yeah, i don't remember peeing. or meeting the girl.
I just woke up and checked my e-mail, and apparently while drunk I bought a blowtorch. Thought you'd want to know.
mid puke you looked up at me and asked if it was your turn to sing
After we hooked up, he left the room and no one has seen him since last night. That kid redefined hit it and quit it.
REAL PEOPLE DRINK 3 BEERS ALONE WILL WATCHING THE LIFETIME MOVIE ABOUT PRINCE WILLIAM AND KATE MIDDLETON
Shit ive learned: when going out to a party, always wear a bathing suit underneath just in case theres a pool with a roof next to it
At least your night didn't end with three cops seeing your ass and you sitting on the ground in a wig throwing your shoes at people
Hey dude this is some next level no homo shit but im gonna get 2 tickets to the opera and go Hail Mary on this one girl. U take the extra ticket if i fail.
In other news there is a guy at my office who I'm pretty sure will be wearing someone's skin as a coat one day.
I don't want to flatter myself but after the way he was looking at me today I think it might be me.
Hooked up with a girl in the dorm laundry room tonight. And got invited to go to Vegas for free. That's how today's going.
Come help me clean and have sexual intercourse with me
Bring breadsticks
You literally chaperoned my booty call.
My puke in the shower morning just turned into a puke in the restroom at work afternoon. I'm the human embodiment of dumpster fire.
like, there should be nothing wrong with me wanting to watch you put on a bikini and roll around in a kiddie pool of jello
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