I just queefed in yoga class and now the old man next to me is smiling at me.
all i need in life is blowjobs and white cheddar cheezits
Someone obviously heard us on their way to class. They stopped at my door and started singing afternoon delight.
Now that I'm 21, I feel like I'm letting North Dakota down by not being drunk everyday
The fact that I found him in his Ninja Turtles t-shirt next to six empty and obviously consumed packs of EasyMac watching reruns of Becker certainly made telling him that I wanted a divorce so much easier than I had planned.
He invited you over for Super Sexy Saturday and Cosmos... I'm pretty sure that's gay
He's spent his last 3 years working at Urban Outfitters. No, I'm not sad I missed out on a life of mustaches, the dollar menu and shitty scarves.
My last google search was 'bulk asian wives' I don't know either
You called to teach me about fire safety, meowed a whole bunch, said "I hope you are not on fire" and hung up.
If the egyptians can build pryamids men can walk on the moon and ron jeremy can sleep with all those bitches then we can finish these three handles of vodka
I'm just impressed that you can puke without losing your gum
Sorry I wasn't opportunistic about sucking your dick in an Uber last night
She stripped naked and ran around the outside of the house while I stood by the tent holding her clothes shouting "come back" because I was too drunk to chase her. This is why we can't have nice things.
sober me doesnt really want him anymore, but when drunk me takes over, she might want him, and god only knows the shit that might happen with drunk me.
Don't drink and try to take a shower. I thought I was drowning
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