I just wanted to draw pictures of limp wieners on peoples doors and smash pictures of palm trees. That's it.
Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
Everytime she would start slurring, she'd stop, hold up a finger, wait like 30 seconds, then try again. I love drunk people
i love how people use prayer to talk shit about eachother in a 'holy' manner.
my ex just saw me in his brothers bed. fuck yes revenge feels good
I reached in my backpack to pull out my laptop. I found my bottle of Jack and 2 bottles of Coke. It's going to be a good class.
we have 69 mutual friends...i have to add her
I'm hoping you can explain why I woke up with what I believe is pumpkin pie all over my body
You made eat vitamins until I threw up
I'm genuinely dissapointed that we didn't make any fat chicks cry
why are all my papers due the day after my potential hangover
Trustme, don't ever look up when you're giving road head. It's awkward.
What is more embarrassing, shitting yourself in Mexico or having sex in a forest preserve with a 19 yr old? This is crucial research.
My mom just looked at me and said; "You've been pretty bitchy lately do you need some dick?" WTF has happened to me?
Do you know how difficult it is to snap a good dick pic while driving?
Randomize
