remind me tomorrow that nothing happen between me and the guy who's shirt i'm wearing
If i see another girl turn you down you should either turn gay or just kill yourself
I just figured out, there are 9 children in this world that I can look at in the face and say "I fucked your mom."
I'd be there a lot sooner if these damn stairs would stop moving.
I woke up in her bed, she woke up in mine. Apparently there was a miscommunication after the 8th jager bomb.
We sent off fireworks off in the taco bell drive through. They're taking it way too seriously.
Its a first. Never been peed on in a line to concert. First time for everything.
She kept telling me it was a squirtgun.
want to know what my life has come to? I just took a 45 min shower banging on the walls and making loud sex noises so my neighbors think I get some.
No it'll be my boobs and the luge part will be from my nipples. Everyone will be sucking beer from my perfectly sculpted and partially melted tits.
Just got a ride from a stranger while walking a mile home as it hailed with no coat. He asked me if I smoked, then said he just made some potent cookies and I could have one.
The cookie was what I originally wanted to tell you. Always say yes to drugs from strangers
I'm on the fast track to lesbian land
worse hangover than the time you almost threw up in a plant in front of your daycare kids?
...I don't remember telling you about that but yes
He is completely naked, curled in a ball, and rocking back and forth in the shower humming lullabies to himself. This is your responsibility since I'm going to be fucking someone in 5.7 seconds.
I'm sorry I missed your birthday brunch. If it makes you feel any better I woke up wearing someone else's toga and a sombrero
Having a bangable neighbor is going to ruin my booty call game. I refuse to go across town for dick now
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