Rylan was made in your driveway. Just thought, as godfather, you should know.
I miss you. Just wanted to say that before the drugs kicked in so it's legit.
STOP SENDING ME DANCING JESUS FORWARDS.
My professor just used "labia" and "numchucks" in the same sentence. I am dying.
He kissed my cheek and I could smell it the whole way home like shit
Before you even think your day was worse than mine, I had to disinfect and and stitch another dude's penis after his prince Albert got ripped out by an angry chick.
I just replaced the poop spray with an air horn... Now we wait!
6 tequila shots, 3 kamikazes and 1 rumplemintz.. The next day I puked in my office trash can while doing payroll. I may have to dock my own pay for lack of class.
I'm not leaving my family to go to a strip club on good friday.
Head-banging is a very stupid way to injur yourself. But this opinion is also coming from somebody who can't walk right because they cut their asshole shaving last night, so it probably has little to no merit.
my whole wardrobe smells like substance abuse
we dropped acid in chinatown. worst. idea. ever. too many colors. and nobody has any idea where steve is.
Well... This is my last night at the resort. So far, the only thing that has been in my vagina is sand.
Of all of my friend's husbands, I like when yours hits on me best
Awe that means so much to us
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
Randomize
