If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
I'm constantly one strobe light away from an E flashback
the guy i hooked up with is asleep on our couch. please dont fuck him.
are you excited because you wanna see me or because you wanna get laid?
bc i get to see you. naked.
His fingers had 12 years of piano lessons behind them. my ex has been put to shame by a finger
my brother walked in while we were fucking, silently took my bong from my closet, saluted us and walked out.
my step dad just called me a drunken slut..someone in my family finally understands me
I'm sitting on the patient chair, waiting for my vagina to be violated & "i don't want to miss a thing" has been playing on repeat. WHY IS THIS HAPPENING TO ME.
Just so you're aware, tomorrow is "Slow Clap when you see Mike" day.
Remember when I said "no boyfriend, no problems"? I lied. Tequila. Tequila is a problem.
When I don't want to forget things I put them on my cigs.
C smoking isn't all bad
Competitive oral. I'm always telling girls they are only the fourth, maybe third, best blowjob I've had. They go back down with something to prove.
Packing a mid day bowl in the Sonic parking lot. Have I gone too stoner?
I swear if you get so drunk that I have to sing Bohemian Rhapsody to you again to get you to come out of the bathroom I'm leaving you at the bar this time.
I may have taken the entire adderall. I FEEL LIKE THE FUCKIN HULK. I can't stop cleaning and organizing and doing the clean things
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