why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
I never said you were fat, just too fat for ME
so I woke up this morning and on their fridge, the first item on the shopping list was my virginity.
Just don't lie down.. Throwing up upwards is NOT cute the second time.
Wouldn't be the first time..I think there's a subliminal message constantly playing in my mind that says 'blackout', 'throwing up is fun' 'too sober'
I've learned something. I regret way too may Tuesdays in my life to be normal
What type of outfit says "I know you slept with my boyfriend before and are also way skinnier than me, but I look better...somehow"
About to go out with the girl of my dreams tonight. I am looking at one of her hottest fb pics, to practice not looking at her huge tits.
I get a nose bleed and my uncle is automatically giving me the "your doing lines off dashboards again aren't you" look
He's probably the biggest I've seen outside of the porn I vehemently deny watching and he asks if I think he's too small
I have invented a new game to play on campus. It's called "Mormons or Pledges?" It's fantastic.
We're doing a team debriefing of Saturday night in group text right now. As 75% of the female presence at that party we saw some shit.
So she said she could really go for a cheeseburger and I remembered I had one in my pocket. No idea where it came from.
all i'm saying is don't blame me if your purses are filled with whoppers
are we talking malt balls or BK?
You went on the date? His pickup line was I swear I'm not a serial killer and you went on the date???
Randomize
