What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
I'm too high to be shopping. I just contemplated deoderant for fifteen minutes. Now testing pillows
If you're going to outback I'll have to decline, I've slept with a large enough portion of their staff already.
Idk he's just laying there passed out with a French fry up his nose and without any pants on. Boner and everything.
My feelings are currently in a sea of vodka and "I don't give a shit"
Aren't they always?
Also, as my manager i'm going to put you in charge of making sure i don't drown.
Is she still in your room?
Not for long. My plan is to smoke her out like a small woodland creature.
Sometimes I feel like I should become a beautician purely for my ability to shave pretty shapes into my pubic hair.
Still slightly drunk, sitting in Hyde park village. Two small children are dancing and singing "call me maybe" on the fountain in front of me. Am I hallucinating?
He licked my mouth. I felt like I was making out with my dog.
My buddy just got straight up kicked out of the bar on my bday for water boarding people with beer and bar towels
The fact that he quoted freebird as his breakup speech was a little more classy than expected
Dude. I need you to practice dancing around in your banana hamock. Party boy style. I'll call later with details.
It's been a week I should not still be finding glitter in my pants.
A guy in a chewbacca suit just came up to me and asked me to buy him weed.
Randomize
