So she farted while we were having sex but I was afraid she would stop because she was emberessed so i just went ahead and took the blame and apologized
At a stoplight watching a woman push groceries in a stroller while dodging oncoming traffic... Reallllly Detroit?
Women are like Alzheimers patiens. You can compliment them a million times in a day, but the next day is always a wash, you have to start all over.
i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
I have no idea. I woke up naked on someones toilet locked in the bathroom with two baby kittens.
Jon thought he was that blonde chick from Three's Company when he was shrooming
The least you could do before I go into your room is throw away the condom wrapper from the other girl I know you're banging.
I was running around taking people's drinks at the bar and just dumping it into my Gatorade bottle screaming roofies.
Why do I have a bunch of cash....and your bra.
i would have fingered myself to death by now but the dog wont stop staring at me
Bar selfie Saturday turned into bar nudie Saturday in a hurry. I need to delete my snapchat...
That’s talent right there. Maverick and Goose type shit.
if he becomes president of the united states, I will tell EVERYONE that i took his virginity.
You’ll lick BBQ off my cock but no ketchup on a hotdog?
aloe plants are like gummy bears with an exoskeleton, but with healing powers instead of deliciousness.
are you on the drugs???
Randomize
