just heard the best thing ever: calling people's kids "fuck trophies"
I accidentally burped into my bong.
Thats my favorite, when ex girlfriends become XL ex girlfriends
there are certain things about getting into a cab to go home at 630 am that make me feel like a prostitute.
Dude.. You paid a stripper $50 to listen to you cry last night.
I really have to stop waking up in hot tubs on Friday mornings.
We fed him just...so many bright colored crayons when he was blacked out. I hope he looks at his shits because this could be all for nothing
Does the room smell any better?
Yeah, i sprayed perfume. It smells like Victoria's Secret, if Victoria's secret was that she was homeless.
Oh Jesus. Are you going to the hospital?
No I'm showering then leaving for Vegas
Well I mean he still had sex with me after I told him that I play fetch with the kids I take care of, so I'm not really looking too far ahead with him...
So there I was, eye fucking the waiter and I spilled beer all down my boobs
You have to get it done early. Like a dick drive by. Hit it and run.
Is it something I'm going to want to hug you for or slap you for?
Do u think the bouncer will let me in with a giant stuffed snake?
Get ready for me I'm full of tequila and I want to be full of you next
Randomize
