I told him I'm not paying rent anymore because he's seen my boobs.
That bar we were at last night smelled like cougars. Virginia Slims, Aqua Net and Summer's Eve.
Getting 10 cents back for every can is really just encouraging alcoholism.
Exactly how many bongs can i have before my parents figure out they really aren't vases
The best part was that when I woke up, I poked her with my dick to wake her up, and said, "Hi, I'm Alex. Nice to meet you". Shoulda seen the look on her face. Priceless.
So currently I have a block of cheese duct taped to my air conditioner in lieu of a fridge.
You are writing your college essay comparing yourself to Lady Gaga, Vladimir Putin, and Dale Earnhardt Jr. and you are worried about the conclusion sounding cheesy?
You know, I never expected to find myself with a roommate who I'd have to ask not to have sex while I'm in the room. And yet, here we are.
How do I say "I still wanna hook up w you but I don't wanna see your penis via text ever again" through a snapchat
He called my boobs fluffy. Part sexy part pilsbury dough boy. Part sexy pilsbury dough boy. I'm so confused. And flattered?
i love it when bitches who pick on you in high school get fat. thank you facebook you have made my day.
I was just trying to be a good friend but in retrospect I probably shouldn't have pepper sprayed you.
A guy I hooked up with YEARS ago just endorsed me on LinkedIn for "customer service".
extra points if i make kids and or the elderly cry
So I crawled off the trampoline to puke in the neighbors yard. Wonderful house guest right here
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