apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
You act like I was drinking alone...I had the entire Verizon network with me
pop tarts are not kleenex
She was kind of put off because I kept calling her baby my spirit animal and staring hungrily at her breasts.
well other than the faint smell of fireworks in the truck you can't really tell the windshield was exploded
Dont be alarmed when you find the maintenance guy passed out on your couch. I didn't to explain why I was there so I offered him a drink, I dont know what happened after that.....
How are ur friends?
One is peeing in the grass and the other is asleep under the stairs. Fuck them I'm sleeping in the car
I send him pictures of my tits whenever I feel like he's paying too much attention to his girlfriend.
Idk how much vodka is on these pants but I'm gonna wear them anyway: the biopic
BOOM BITCH SERVES YOU RIGHT I HOPE YOU SHIT YOURSELF PETER PAN
He doesn't like Sabbath and that alone is a GIANT red flag. Learn from my experiences and never, I mean NEVER associate with people that hate Black Sabbath and Motörhead.
beggars cant be choosers....im desperate and he has a dick. he checks all the boxes.
I yelled at your uterus for you.
i think we reached that point in our drunkenness where even the creeps found us intolerable
I expected my Sunday morning walk of shame dressed as a sexy Dorothy would get some scorn, but nobody seems to even care
That’s because it’s 2020. The slutty costume walk of shame is a refreshing reminder of a time when wearing masks and catching communicable diseases was a right of passage, not everyday for the foreseeable future.
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