Just had perfomance review. I was told the best example of my integrity was when I told my boss I was going to fail the random drug test due to my weekend coke binge. She said that took a lot of character.
He said my breasts were God's way of making up to him for all the shit he's had to endure in his life.
i'm drinking whiskey out of a ziplock bag in a movie theater. i'm THAT girl.
There is no way I am paying you $5 apiece for pot brownies you found behind a dumpster. $2, maybe.
Idk tell her to wear something sluttty. I have that one skirt I got arrested in if she wants to borrow?
Your dress got me laid by one of Obama's Secret Service members. Patriotic duty, check.
Where are you? We're in between the guy dressed as a giant inflatable penis and the Justin Bieber lookalike lesbians
Does the penis have a genital wart?
You're like Jane Goodall in a forest of gay men. Someday your autobiography will be called "Bottoms in the Mist".
HEY JUST FOUND A SHIT TON OF MONEY IN THE PURSE HE SENT BRB GONNA GO BUY ME SOME MALE STRIPPERS AND BATHE IN THESE TWENTY DOLLAR BILLS
I took the pregnancy test for shits and giggles, but neither shits nor giggles were had.
Why would you get kicked out?
Well, an overweight man is currently not wearing a shirt. Or pants. And is getting in touch with his inner Chippendale. You can probably fill in the blanks.
skyped with him for 45 min in the bath while i shaved my legs. new level in the relashionship
we are currently pregaming for our walk to the liquor store.
step one: admitting you have a problem. complete.
Well obviously we have a ghost in the house who’s taking showers in your bathroom and doing our cocaine.
poll: am I friendzoned if he just called me brochacha? on one hand, he called me bro, but on the other, he used the a to make it feminine.
Randomize
