I've come to the conclusion that the only reason I fucked him was because he reminded me of Seth Rogen.
her dad's the mattress king, she's genetically engineered to be good in bed
I just threw up a christmastime peep. I am literally already sick of the holidays.
im not gonna bother asking u how it was... we could hear u through the walls
My dad got me a charm braclet....his way of trying to support my gayness....
Oh my god. I just RAN OVER a child. Oh my god this isnt my day. That kid was cool as fuck though
Jesus horatio Christ I forgot my mittens and am considering shoving my hands down the pants of the first semi attractive man I see
Moral of the story: always keep condoms in your bra
Ever wonder what all the drugs you've ever done would look like put together?
Heaven. . It would look like heaven
showering high made me realize that i should seriously reconsider my career path... id be a damn good hair shampooer & head massager
Can't decide if it was more awkward buying sheets together or disposing of them afterwards
In an unrelated matter, im gonna eat you out so much later.
I'm sitting on your porch drinking wine from the bottle. Just so your new neighbors know what kind of people are in the neighborhood
I don't think he understands that his kid doesn't bother me. I have a binder full of developmentally appropriate early childhood activities.
Either go for divorced men who are forty plus or stop doing this immediately. You are 23 years old. You need more wine and less baby fever
I made out with a guy dressed as the pdx airport carpet.
Portlandia didn't prepare you for that?
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