i was born a porn star she said
my dad just secretly slid me a nugg in front of my mom. remind me why I moved away for college??
They were like stripper heels, except business stripper heels, the kind strippers would wear to court.
Shes sitting on the front porch puking in to the pumpkin she just carved...in the rain. I guess pumpkin spice tequila shots wasnt our best idea.
I had him autograph the condom wrapper.
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
Well my dad thinks I wake up at 3 or 4 am every day. Really it is just all the booty calls, but I'm glad he thinks I am so motivated
I swear man, you fly across the country to give a boy your virginity and he suddenly thinks you like him
Next time you have him paint you an outfit so you can do you walk the street naked TAKE A SHOWER BEFORE YOU GET IN THE BED. MY sheets look like like an acid trip
Just showed my drunk fiancé where I got circumcised, she's been crying for twenty minutes.
I told him to take the baby so I could work out. My workout consisted of getting high and masturbating
I need water and some morals
So I almost broadcasted the porn from my phone to the boardroom chrome cast
She tried to fuck me right at the bar in front of everyone. She actually got my pants unzipped before I realized what was going on.
Everytime I come home this stoned I masturbate in the shower for that long, its like my lonely ritual. Accept me.
Randomize
