Well all I remember is going to sleep being big spoon to you and waking up being little spoon to *****
I woke up naked by my window. blinds open. smiley face drawn on my window.
I just saw a homeless man with a cat on a leash. reminded me of you.
I hate the Packers so much, I wouldn't cheer for them if they were playing al Qaeda.
her tits were misleading. turns out she wasn't cool, smart and funny
Hey do you have a way to post bail? If not we can hook you up. If a police officer is reading this please ask him and respond in a timely fashion. I am concerned for my imprisoned friend
Nahh. Maybe not even a handful. It's more like a heaping teaspoon worth of dick.
You better be Eskimo Brother-ing the FUCK out of tonight right now. Long distance 'balls deep' high five
She busted her face in a tragic twerking accident. Marking the 2nd time I have peed my pants laughing.
Drunken snow shoveling. Visiting my family is starting to become a seriously risky venture.
We found him flat on his back, sobbing, 'fuck you stars' at the sky. No more everclear for Derek.
Idk man, we spent like 20 mins arguing about the moral ambiguity of fucking in someone else's car
He didn't even get to the first chorus of Hotel California before he started convulsing on top of me.
On a scale of 1 to hungover I’m definitely throwing up at the office today.
You know that we wouldn’t even be talking about all this if you would have kept your candy consumption judgement comments to yourself.
Randomize
