do people in england often walk their sheep on leashes? or is this guy the exception to the rule?
I just found out I was conceived in a rehab facility... that's better than finding out your dad could be someone else right?
so there is either a lot of blood or a lot of wine in the shower....
The low-flow toilet at my office cannot handle the intensity of this hangover.
Direct quote from her that tipped me off I was getting some: "I want to jump on his shoulders and wrap my legs around his face"
This is the second girl that said she wanted to fuck me while wearing a clown nose. Fuck online dating
On the plus side I'm getting really good at painting the inside of a toilet with my bowels.
I made out with a guy who was dressed as Borat
And like a minute in, I was like oh fuck what am I doing
Did you run away?
I DANCED AWAY.
Just used an eyelash curler to open my beer since I didn't have a bottle opener. Things are starting to look up.
I told my boyfriend that the thing I missed most about him was scratching his balls for him.
Was your bare penis on or around my blanket?
I was masterbating to some porn on my phone and my mom decides to text me "are you okay?" I mean i was doing great until you cock blocked me mom..
You peed in a public fountain and then felt bad so you put dish soap in it; 4 ft tall bubbles.
i woke up on someones kitchen floor, and i used the gps in my phone to find my way home. im really glad you forgot about me.
Our conversation went from you choking me to my quarter life crisis reeeaaalllll quick.
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