A homeless guy asked you to feel your boobs, you accepted in exchange for his broom to go with your witch costume..... that's when I cut you off
Just got head while drinking hot cocoa and eating cookies. Never in my life have I felt more like santa claus
the only thing he could say in english were 'insert coin here' and 'game over'. i love spanish men.
Good lord, they've set up every firework to be ignited by a trail of gasoline at midnight. God save us all.
She fucking ripped my chandelier out of my ceiling. How does that make her a keeper?
Be prepared to possibly be invited to a fancy strip club breakfast on Friday and be prepared to say yes.
i don't think they understood the house was collapsing. they kept dancing and jumping and asking for more cups.
Man, I wish they all looked like that. Your vagina deserves to have a nice frame around it, and God's signature at the bottom.
Idk, you were a drunk pirate that kept stealing pieces of people's costumes to keep as your booty.
That would explain all the random shit in my room...
I'm all for hockey players but dude, he asked me to lick his chipped tooth mid-hook up.
My heart stopped for a sec, but I snorted what I believe was cocaine off the floor, and I'm back in the fight
Our sub is singing "i believe i can fly" after yelling at the class this whole time and this is really hella weird
I woke up on a park bench with a nice homeless guy waking me up. I bought us Carl's Jr. Best birthday ever!
I have to stay away from bourbon. Despite what it keeps telling me, it is NOT my friend.
Fuck twitter. Fuck men. Fuck bras. Fuck flip flops. Fuck makeup. Fuck perfume.
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