I loved tuna sandwiches so much in grade school it was so embarrassing
Everyday all the kids would be like oh grosss whose eating tuunnaa
Revenge fucks should not count towards the total number. They're justified.
Knitting and drinking wine. Forget my 21st birthday, might as well just skip to my 60th
You tried to get the stranger on the sea bus to give you a bite of his chicken sub by repeating over and over "im in a girl band"
My grandpa just complimented my boobs. Im taking this as a compliment but also brushing it off as alcoholism on his part.
Sometimes you gotta take the crosseyed stripper. fuck it
Do you know how hard it is to maintain a conversation with someone who just told you they put their cat in the fridge on purpose?
Apparently i asked the cab driver how much the ride was going to cost, (he said about $25) then i offered him 50 to let me drive the cab...
It was kinda hard to explain to his wife why there was chocolate syrup on the ceiling.
Im about to get a baby alligator stoned, what are you doing with your life?
I wish on days I started my period Chipotle would come to my house with a burrito bar ... Then give me a chocolate cake and a large beer.
You both ran and jumped into the tub yelling Jamaican bobsled team
You were laying in a hotel bed drinking beer from a straw while you demanded everyone to kiss your foot tattoo.
Using the money underagers give me to buy this semesters books.. My mom would be so proud
JEREMY RENNER GOT DIVORCED. I STILL HAVE A CHANCE.
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