Dude ! Why is there vomit with whole pieces of sushi in the shower when the toilet is not more than 2 feet away ? btw you need to chew your food better,
i just caught my roommate coming out of the bathroom half naked with a surge protector. he told me he didn't wanna talk about it.
She rode me to the beat of Baby Got Back. I swear to god.
you told all the 17 year old girls at the party that your mating call was "I glitter in the sun"
At first I was confused when I woke up with shards of glass and pickle brine in my pants. But then I remembered I hung out with you last night.
Well I disagree, 3 different men in my bed over my birthday was the perfect way to say goodbye to my childhood innocence
I can't wait to hear about your drunken cab ride to planned parenthood at 2pm
To be honest i'm almost glad he got arrested. His girlfriend and i kept making out so i'm pretty sure the alternative was a threesome. Now we're just the trashy girls who visit him in jail.
My going away gift was all of them dancing around with solo cups on their dick and balls...these are my friends
Just wait til you visit, there will be an endless supply of fresh dick for your demand #economics
i’m just listening to christina aguilera’s “your body” on repeat and trying not to pass out at my desk.
Walgreens has pop rocks. Be prepared to get your dick sucked.
I'm gonna celebrate Valentines day by watching Bob Ross videos and tripping balls.
Yeah i like want to be friends with him. And if we have sex in the physics library well thats fine with me
being broke is really keeping my alcoholism in check
Randomize