Four minutes until I can fart!
so i am drinking whiskey and watching home alone 2 by myself. it turns out moving to a foreign country isn't all that different after all.
I just deleted all the drug dealers from my phone, I guess this is growing up
You know why I moved here? No public intoxication law. A cop just helped me from my bent over vomit pose, asked if I was ok, and gave me a ride home.
Woke up to the first three complete chapters of my new novel titled "If My Dick Could Talk" waiting for me on my laptop
I feel like getting drunk at the airport is sort of a rite of passage into adulthood, but maybe i should reserve that occasion for a flight thats not just 1 hr
We're only going to be this young and this cute but for so long. And how often is it that a pack of Albanian law students is in your house?!
he puked in the sink and didnt turn off the water before he passed out on the bathroom floor. its been 2 hrs and we finally noticed that the whole fucking house is flooded. to hell with this birthday party
I'm not sure... How do you tell someone who was so smashed they couldn't remember shoving their dick into the fireplace that their mother actually witnessed the whole thing?
Let's play another riveting game of "Whose boxers are hanging on my fence?"
I told him that we shouldn't complicate things. He responded with a dick pic.
Waking up drunk is great, waking up drunk and hanging with your mom is even better.
Sundays were made for eating Ramen pantless in bed.
so then the cop took one last hit off our blunt and then drove off in his car and we just all stood there thinking, yea... that just happened...
I should buy myself lingerie for Valentine’s Day instead of a present for you because I am the present
Randomize
