I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
Just saw a man being put through a dui test on the side of the road... it was noon and he was on a bicycle. God bless texas.
I just heard a woman call her child a butt face. Repeatedly. He's crying now. I love walmart.
She made me add her as a friend on fb before she got into my bed... I sense a stalker
The reason i havent seen you yet better have huge tits
This is a whole other level of drinking. Like the I used to eat paste with these people kinda drinking.
Please know that I fully expect you to help me steal a bed if I have a bad breakup.
sold 4 oz of weed today pantsless. man i love college.
Today's hangover is a "wear sunglasses while pooping in the dark" kind of day
Pants-less sunday? Also I'm high and independence day is making me cry
im coming over
At this point, if I'm not getting fucked by a man in ONLY cowboy boots, it's not worth it.
I just wanna have sex and go to Denny's after is that too much to ask for.
Those boxers don't belong to me anymore. They belong to the desert surrounding Phoenix.
Went up to some dude that hit on Laura and told him he has a voice like a grandma. Apparently didnt have muscles or kindness like grandma so can you pick me up at the ER please?
I woke up and there was a huge blow up palm tree in my bed...
Randomize
