Will you take my knitting needle, stick it far up my nose, reach in my frontal lobe and give it a few swirls?
best part he said "i like your tattoo" as he walked into the room, stood right there looking at me, naked on top of his friend
she really just asked how mermaids reproduce.
You kept calling me your small dog last night.
Fuck the gym. I just shaved m'cooch and my pants now fit looser.... Dont judge me.
he sounded really stupid. it was like his puke had a stutter, too.
i had to get the starbucks manager to open the bathroom door for me...you passed out on the floor, the things i do for you
I'm off the liquor
You're forefathers are ashamed of you. They didn't struggle to make it to America so that you could become a soft dick
Uhh... I think I meant "Be proud, I'm taking shots before my public speaking test." "Coffee and vodka is not good" and "Also, I'm giving blood drunk."
If I win the contest of drinking the most water I get a chicken nugget.
You rope them in with the looks and the boobs, and I'll bore them into submission with random trivia. We can't lose.
Just heard a girl ask "Wait you're not my boyfriend?!" to a guy wearing the Mickey to her Minnie Mouse on my way home. Made me feel better about myself.
it was so good i reconsidered my staunch atheism
We were looking everywhere for you and I finally found you in the closet talking to a build a bear.. So I gave you and myself another drink
He’s exactly what I’m looking for: he’s got a broken heart, a working penis and a new boat!!!
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