you may be an alcoholic when your drug dealer calls to yell at you for drinking too
you told me your penis was albino and it couldnt be exposed to light so you needed to keep it in me
You were hopping up and down because you wanted only his strongest sperms to make it to the egg.
Darwin at his finest.
Now that Steinbrenner is in heaven he's going to make Jesus cut his hair
I hope there's a soldier with a Bedazzler just going to town right now.
2nd fun fact: he has a square tan line around his dick.
I was so exhausted I thought about using my deep throat spray to stop my coughing.
I tripped over a vacuum cleaner and fell into a beer pyramid
I had another sex dream about you but it was very dissatisfying. As you finished you starting singing the star spangled banner. then you left. I was not amused.
Might I also add after my boss threw up in the garbage can and yelled puking rally, he dougied, then told me I wasn't about that life.
I wouldn't be too worried. He's been known to chase a chubby before.
THAT IS NOT HOW YOU TALK TO YOUR SISTER
I love how when they see that I'm upset their initial response is to offer me ecstasy
Fucking adderall I just talked at the security guard for 90 minutes
Are you serious?! She sent a pizza instead of showing up?!
She did indeed. Papa Johns. It helped because I was super hangry. That bitch is smart!
What the hell was that?
Genius. It was sheer genius.
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