I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
so, the parking garage attendent caught us humping in the car. long story short, we have free parking whenever we want! take that abstinence.
i gave you head in a backbend. if that doesnt say happy birthday i dont know what does.
You should get with him and swear you have to use lambskin condoms. That'll test his veganism.
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
I went to the bathroom, came back, and my friend was sleeping leaning up against the stripper pole.
He visits one Denver strip club and now hes moving there
I tried snowmobiling at 2 am. I broke my glasses. You're right. Things do get out of control.
I don't care that you had sex on my bed. I care that you used my lollipop condom. I was saving that for a special occasion
It was a special occasion. Your best friend had crazy awesome sex on your bed. Thank you
I want to preface this by saying nothing happened, nothing is on fire. It is mere speculation. Do we have a fire extinguisher?
I will never look at a penis the same again. After that I will appreciate them so much more than I do. Makes me wanna kiss yours just for being pretty
Checking my Tinder matches as I sit here in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood. I can't be stopped.
Vomit your little heart out. You've got a long day tomorrow
She meowed at me. Repeatedly. Then she asked what was wrong with me because I didn't understand her.
I am cleaning melted cheese out of my hair. This is a new experience for me
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