The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
Hi, my name's audrey!
Max?
Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.
it makes it look bigger when i shave, i hope its not the same for a girl
just got invited to smoke a bowl by a guy who has a prostetic leg and has been on the jerry springer show multiple times. I love my life right now
You can come over, sure. But I'll be watching college hockey during the blow job.
He sent me a picture of myself smashed completely butt naked passed out on the couch and said "at least I'll have these memories"
I vaguely remember having a 'grass is greener' conversation about our nipples. Dream or beautiful reality?
Beautiful, beautiful reality
Its official the day you get back into town we are having a going away to jail party for me. My last wish before prison is to shit faced drunk with you, get into a fist fight, and then cuddle up and fall asleep. Just like old times <3
idk wtf was in that bud but I was talking to my dead dog last night bro holy shit
This is the fourth day in a row I woke up with cheetos spread around me in a ritual pattern..this weed is unreal
He then used a box cutter I keep in my car to open the plan b. Who says chivalry is dead?
My saturday night consisted of sewing my Halloween costume and watching Blues Clues
You actually...sewed your costume?
Such a big mess for such a small penis
The best thing about last night is when drunk Lauren asked cop if she could smoke a joint in front of him. And next thing I remember she’s smoking weed with a cop. How awesome is that.
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
Randomize
