what has become of my life if the best thing thats happened to me this week is that i discovered my cleavage as the best hiding spot ever for weed.
Well, I'm a guy so I don't have one, but if its anything like the inside of my nose, yes, vodka would burn.
I found a fried uncrustable on the table from last night.
Just got blown in a rental car. I need to get rear ended more often
im destined to be single forever. i hope its okay if your kids come and hang out with my cats.
people came up our fire escape and one had a cut on his leg and he was beautiful so i told him i was an emt and bandaged it with princess bandaids
Oh god. I finally realized why the coked out Stevie wonder was explaining the concept of movember to the McDonalds clerk. Drunk me didn't process that another month comes after Halloween... It's apparently November.
i just stole a 8 pack of olde english 40s and 2 roles of duct tape. we are going to make edward proud tonight.
He is like the "hometown sweetheart", but a huge freak. Like "I'll come change your flat tire"....but then fuck you like an animal in the back seat.
I woke up snuggling a bottle of water while Hercules played on Netflix. Whiskey Wednesdays
He says we're "annoying" but that's an odd word to describe a couple of heroic liquor saiyans
Okay who let me pass out in a recliner cuddling a pitbull and a cardboard cutout of Orlando Bloom
I thought about mashed potatoes the whole way home
I just made a dick pic collage. Let me just tell you,there is no comparison to the latest!
did i tell you guys i finally 69’d for the first time last night? just thought the group chat should know.
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