You're the host. Of course you wear the diaper. It's like wearing the pants.
Come home. Power Hour by yourself is only fun for the first 10 minutes.
She's the barista slut.
Idk if you remember me telling you about him, but I gave him a hj under the stars. Kind of added a little disney aspect to the whole experience.
I five year old is judging me because I just opened a bottle of Sam Adams with my teeth before 8am
Rolled in at 3:30am from the strip club, with all the screaming I did, Siri doesn't even recognize my voice this morning,
See,its just the last time this situation happened I ended up hiding in a closet on my birthday
I found her in my pantry with her shirt off twerking...I tapped her on the shoulder and she said she was giving Chef Boyardee a show and to give her a minute...
The cat just walked up and made eye contact with me while I had sex. I'm going to have to burn the house down with him in it.
Nothing tops off the night like giving emotional and spiritual guidance to a 70 year old transvestite.
Self care is breaking into nasa and launching yourself directly into the fucking void
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
I let a drunk straight girl spank me with a metal paddle at the bar tonight. Remind me to never do that again.
I woke up remembering only that I got pulled over by a cop, then looked over and found that same cop, naked.
Dude, I'm pretty sure I just drank iced tea last night and yet I'm still hungover. What the fuck is my body anymore ?
Randomize
