You should never have let annie watch you have sex with other women
if i were to get pulled over right now, the only thing i would be guilty of is listening to 90's Mariah Carey
genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
I'm actually agreeing with glenn beck. What the FUCK was in that margarita?!
Still bad at ganbling. Still good at dringing.
She's singing So Happy Together to her burrito, I want to be on her level.
Quick question, how many times can you get chlamydia before your vagina just gives up and falls off?
Trust me at the end of the night there will be queso smothered places you didn't think it could be smothered
Do not deep throat a rocket pop, it WILL go into your lungs, and you may die.
You were great dude. You wanted to charge the guy with fedora $100 to get in.
So question... If I'm sexting with uncircumcised guy, do I have to add *then i gently pull your foreskin down*?
I asked to see his balls for medical purposes.
Cancelling your gym membership calls for alcohol.
Update: drank half a bottle of Bourbon and texted three ex's. Waiting for the roommates to go to sleep so I can raid the fridge.
For some reason, my alarm clock was unplugged & in the kitchen microwave. I don't remember doing that...
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