Dude I'm so glad we're not friends anymore. It would have made fucking your stepmom last night really awkward. Dickwad.
do you have any idea why i woke up naked spooning my toaster?
Just got new surround sound speakers for my computer... I feel like I'm actually IN the porn now.
it was like fucking gandolphs beard
It's a good thing i didn't end up pregnant...i would have had to figure out his last name.
Almost propositioned sex in exchange for a study guide for my final tomorrow.
The kid I'm babysitting just asked if I had a boyfriend. WHY IS A FOUR YEAR OLD MAKING ME FEEL BAD ABOUT MY LIFE
All I wanted was a quiet evening to masturbate and eat cake and instead you ruined it by bringing girls over.
Just jerked off with bubble wrap. Not as awesome as it sounds.
My bathroom smells like artichokes and absinthe. I am naming a perfume after you and using the money to buy new towels.
You've created a tinder dominating monster.
I spilled wine on my pillowcase and I figure it's basically my lifeblood so I'm just leaving it
I AM NOT LOSING TO SOME FICTIONAL CROSSDRESSER
They also submitted to my demands for pizza
Im too stoned for my mom to be picking up hitch hikers. Help.
Randomize
