If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
I can no longer count the number of girls I've banged on my fingers and toes. It's like being born again.
She invited me to an Eagles game, I mean that is almost better then if she told me she could only function with large amounts of semen in her system at all times.
My parents showed me my IQ test from fourth grade, I'm shitting on my potential.
They refer to his house as "the abortion clinic". Cant wait.
I legitimately sent him a storybook of naked pictures.
like a sex slave...but with a better dental insurance plan
His IQ is so high, I swear I started ovulating when he told me the number.
You told them that the brownies were safe, and then pointed to a passed out Ryan and said "see?"
OK! No more randoms over for the next month this is the third fucking time I caught a naked dude drinking my OJ in the middle of the night.
It's Saturday night and I'm sitting on my couch by myself, watching Glee, and drinking gin and tonics. If you listen very closely, you can hear the wails of my mother giving up hope that I will ever give her a son-in-law.
The trick will be getting hammered before we get to the first bar
Challenge accepted
i don't knpow whats goin on i think theyre sacrificeing me to th tequila gods
That falls under the "unwelcome penises" category. Also that's definitely a sentence I never thought I would say
I knocked over his glass and he yelled "Oh no the boxed wine!" and slurped it off the coffee table. Then he showed me how to mix maple syrup, Jameson, and coffee. My family is better than your family.
Randomize
