Something clean will definitely be barfed on tomorrow.
Dude. Fucked her last night. Fucked her this morning. went downstairs for water. took 18 pack of Coors Light instead and took it back to my gf's. Got a blow job from her. Drinking the beer on my deck now. Best Day ever.
I want to give my boyfriend great head for his birthday...can i practice on you?
I fucked him in the bathroom at Cedar Point. if it hadn't been for me already combining my two favorite things in the world the whole bathroom thing would have been a little disgusting.
they described our state of being as looking similar to a crime scene....you were on the ground and i was running around screaming.
If you don't remember anything tomorrow, this is to remind you that you asked me in secret to build a bobsled with you and re-enact Cool Runnings.
HOLY FUCK COMFIEST CHAIR EVER
Wait is it okay if I still want to fuck the whole USA swim team or is that only acceptable during the Olympics?
The bottle of Jameson may have been a bit aggressive for a Sunday cookout.
I wish I could be happy with a nice Christian girl, but no, I need a hot mess who starts bar fights
We were right in the middle of sex and all of a sudden his kids toy story action figure starts talking "I think the word your searching for is Space Ranger." A literal Buzz kill. It was equally creepy and hilarious.
So you think Jesus would be proud of me for walking of shame into my apartment 10 minutes before I told my parents I'd be over for Easter?
Oh god. Charles just fell off the bar. Didn't spill his drink. He's come so far..
So hypothetically speaking.. say someone dropped their birth control pill in a hot bowl of soup, and it possibly disintegrated.. would it be just as useful?
It’s gonna be hard being interviewed by this girl without remembering the time she showed me her nipple piercings at Dylan’s party
Randomize
