Worst part was I had to fart super bad and didn't want to ruin the room so I farted in a pillow and threw it under the bed.
I'm too hungover for some lady to talk to me about potatoes
Exactly how deep of a burn should you have when you pee before becoming legitimately concerned?
george bush was a better president for first pitches than barack obama. there. i said it.
Ok, but If I make this happen, my first born son gets to fuck your first born daughter
Just drove through Taco Johns wearing a drug rug and no pants. When I rolled down my window, the girl paused for a minute before saying "um... 4.07"
Now accepting hypotheses about how i managed to get a bruise between my boobs....
And then I asked the bartender for my third shot and he told me he had to cut me off at two because this was in fact a family fun center
They don't allow McDonald's in the ER. Go figure
I was just handed a bible on my walk of shame....are you there god? its tequila tuesday's hangover
I just bought 7 working mopeds off a guy for $300. We are 60% of the way to our gay biker gang dream.
And your boyfriend doesn't mind you constantly taking pictures of his dick just to freak out your brother?
its more like he's accepted that he can't stop me
You guys had reggaeton music playing while dry humping? Definition of romance.
I think the fact that I stole someone's mail and broke my big toe means that I should consider taking some time away from vodka
Guess who just set half their backyard on fire.
Please tell me youre joking.
Nope. on the brightside though, im really gonna quit smoking this time.
Randomize