I just saw a hot homeless man
dude i've broken up a marriage, I think I can handle a simple engagement.
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
Only mom could turn an abortion day into a shopping day
I have now slept with people from more countries than Ive actually visited. Can we make this a game somehow? Like foreign fuck buddy bingo?
its sad that I know 23 beers will fit into my purse
We left your bucket of puke on your doorstep to clean out yourself. You're welcome.
I'm just trying my hardest not to get addicted to drugs or pregnant and all your other friends are out there getting married
I just drove my booty call to his booty call, if that isn't spreading the love, I don't know what is.
If I had a vagina, my apartment would have been the Atlantic
Today, my weed came in a pokéball. I officially love my dealer.
If you kill yourself you won't get to feel that feeling when you have a good shit in the morning. Arent you gonna miss that?
You kept flirting with some guy while I was throwing up on the sidewalk, and I screamed YOU DON'T LIKE MEN
It's the Ides of March, motherfucker. That means we're supposed to daydrink, right?
That butt dial turned into a booty call.
Randomize
