somebody snuck up and got me drunk
i wonder what barack obama's brickbreaker high score is...
Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
It's my fault I'm alone. My closest relationship is with my blackberry....thank god it vibrates.
You ruined his night from a different state? Impressive.
you make it seem like sunflower seeds and pinot grigio are not in the food pyramid.
shape ups are the best shoes to wear when youre stoned. its like walking on little trampolines every step.
he busted in while i was showering looked at me and said "youve lost weight bro, no homo" and started puking into the sink
Theres dried jager, barbecue sauce and frie remnants all over my front seat.
he tried to breastfeed my turtle
Passing out is just my bodies way of protecting my liver.
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
I imagine I kinda look like a banana with one boob out.
I woke up with a meat pie in my hand and my mouth tasting like an ashtray. I'm a catch, really!
That was awkward , having sex with her while her husband watched via Skype. I'm a porn star or a target. Idk
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