if your leaving for the weekend then im farting on your pillow
i saw a guy balancing a black cat on his head last nite
get a pic
i tried he was too far away anotherguy was walking with paper bags on his feet explain that
i want ur life
i'm so sad bro, I can't get any pussy. I'm so sad
When she talks to me all I hear are 5 generations of inbreeding speaking.
It was a sobriety test blowjob. If he could get it up, he could get me home.
You blacked out and walked in on my neighbor breast feeding at 3am yelling "where is my best friend". I think we should go apologize.
Just found my old bop it. So many drinking game possibilities
He told me I was a pleasure to arrest. That's the 2nd time I've heard that.
Since he's sober and out of jail, he acts like we are the worst people on Earth. Fuck him, the only acceptable time in life to do coke is the early twenties. He won't take that from us.
We're downstairs cleaning up and she turns to me with these big puppy dog eyes and says "Just so you know, I didn't have sex on your couch". You have to hug that.
I apparently insisted on hugging all the bushes and apologizing for pollution on the way home.
Honestly, it's his loss. He went for the free sample when he could've gotten the whole package, babes.
does that make me the free sample at the grocery store he didn't like enough to buy...? yeah, that advice didn't help, but thanks.
last night we were hooking up when all the sudden he just murmured "mm blonde". i don't know what to think about this situation.
this temple that is my body is starting to crumble and turn into ruins
i just remember singing the theme song from 2 and 1/2 men to my hair
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