you know he's having a sex change. I can't believe you called him "titty man" to his face....
im getting a BJ in a closet
and a penguin just handed me a bong
Just joined the godiva rewards club. Who's the fat friend now.
I'm not inviting you over anymore if my cat keeps ending up in the freezer...
you passed out on the bathroom floor with the door locked. we had to break in and no one was sober enough to move you so they just threw a towel on you and stepped over you
I just ate nachos topless with a fork. Live with meeee
Why do the people I hook up with still exist after we're done?
nothing worse than walking out of class after 3 hours and having covered exactly zero information
walking out with herpes. that would be worse
A surprise thumb up the ass and I'm wide awake. She was right, no need for caffine pills I could fight ninjas now.
He used Kanye West lyrics to justify what happened and I accepted his logic
He offered me a trade. He'll come sober to my parents 25th anniversary dinner if I let him tie me up for an hour.
Update. bondage is a lot harder than it looks.
Ate a live seahorse, then tried to order a nacho bell grande from an ATM.
How the fuck do you get to keep practicing as a Nurse.
He went down on me while i ate a whole 7/11 pizza. New level unlocked
He left cushions on my floor, chocolate on my bra and unexplained scratches on my thighs. I think this one might get a second date.
Drunk purchased a negligee, plan b, keds and Himalayan salt shot glasses.. there’s only one reasonable purchase there, and we both know it’s not the sneakers
Randomize
