she just put all the cheese in the refrig to sleep.. and yes we did finish you bottle.
you were so drunk you slurred your pauses
She wrote me a poem titled "Penis Flower" and it wasnt a joke
The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
i don't remember but I assumed it was bad when I woke up with directions from his house to mine already pulled up on my phone
There's nothing like vomiting in the restroom at work to remind you that you're not in college anymore.
I think being a buddhist has made me a better drunk
I don't think the cop knew you were on ecstasy until you asked for a back rub.
He introduced himself to me as "the gayest gay who ever gayed." I like him already.
Omg you had literally better be on fire, drowning, and being crucified all at the same time to be calling me at 7:30 in the goddamn morning.
it was not a walk of shame, it was a ferry ride of shame, and i'm not ashamed, so technically it was just an early morning ferry ride. wearing yesterday's clothing
and semen
Is it wrong in Austin to talk to the homeless while I feed a bird my chips??
I'm going on a valentine's date with the random guy i hooked up with in the bar bathroom this weekend...i feel like julia roberts
My liver was like a college freshman on spring break. It would've danced topless on tables if it could have.
woke up to find a case of beer in the oven and a random puppy in the house...guess i had a party last night?
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