last week i woke up at this guys house...this week i woke up at his ex girlfriends
I did my dad and i had to keep going back there to pick up coffee
please read the first 4 words of that text and consider punctuation
The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
I understand that I gave you a nose bleed with a cheeto last night and for that I apologize
and his room smelled like strippers, childrens tears, and fear
He managed to get his pants on, so the cop just sat there facing us with his lights shining in the car. I made shadow puppets.
To the person who left a cup of vomit in the bathroom: I commend you for your aim but you are dead to me- not an ideal birthday present.
I think the name vodka for a girl is amazing
She told me she was eating frosting, then I got the weirdest boner ever
This is not my bathroom and these are not my pants
Starting this Monday as I always do
With a desperate plea for help
He's very cute and has a totally sit-able face.
it's like the easy bake oven version of plastic surgery
Remind me to do laundry tomorrow so i have something decent to take off when i get laid.
Need to use your shower bro.
FWB wearing glitter again?
It’s like she’s marking her territory
Randomize