I'm think I may have given your ex's number to a convicted sex offender.
Win!
sometimes i wonder what i would do without sheltered catholic girls w/ overprotective parents
never have sex?
She wants her shit back. Clearly she missed the cheaters-get-their-shit-ritually-burned clause.
you would not believe what I got pierced last night...
son, I feel like that is a phrase a father never wants to hear.
Contrary to what I yelled at them last night, it turns out campus police CAN arrest people...
Pretending to be straight requires way more energy than I'm willing to use in this heat.
I feel like my vagina stays drunk longer than the rest of me. It's always super sensitive and hungry the day after drinking.
You threw a bunch of trashcans into the middle of the street and nothing happened. I fell on one car and suddenly there were cops everywhere...
He came, while we were making out fully clothed. I'm going to write a book.
Just in case you were wondering I sent you a text at 4:37 in the morning because I woke up on the side of the highway at that time
If only we could all 3 say fuck school to be stoner flight attendants
Yo. What's your name again? You put "don't tell your landlord" as your name lol
I just sat on the floor of my shower for 20 minutes to punish myself for drunk me's decisions.
We should try to put a bagel on your penis
I just blew thrown up hashbrowns out my nose. That's the level of this hangover.
Randomize
