My text messages all automatically add Zs on them cause of your skank ass messages you send me
What kind of friend are you? You don't even blackout anymore.
Now I'm watching The History of Sex on the History Channel. They're talking about how repressed the 30s were. I think I understand why grandma is such an angry person.
thank god dogs can't talk. they see way to much.
Jerry just sent me this: IOR GHIT ALL THE BUTTIB. Go get him. Now.
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
Matt. This is the manager of qdoba. Pick up the phone. Your friend needs you.
We lost you in the mall, but to no surprise we found you waiting in line to sit on santas lap. You said you wanted to ask him for a pound of weed and a subway giftcard for xmas.
We're shaving superhero symbols into our pubes. I call dibs on Batman.
His pick-up lines are quotes from Doctor Who. Of course I fucked him.
WE HAD GREAT SEX AND I HATE MYSELF FOR IT
You give an incredible blow job. I wanted to make sure you know it was appreciated
If there aren't any tits where you are, you're doing it wrong.
You’ll lick BBQ off my cock but no ketchup on a hotdog?
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