please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
Is there any way you can check to see if I have a warrant out in Alabama?
All I wanna do is sit in water and get drunk. The only thing more American is giving birth to eagles.
I miss waking up, opening the closet downstairs, and finding you inside passed out.
when you wake up try not to move. we are betting to see if more sprinkles stuck to you or the pong table.
look at his last status update. 3:41 a.m. "i love u and miss u already egg burrito. happy trails friend." OF COURSE HE SMOKES POT.
i'm going to invent a mini fridge that can hang from faucets so i don't have to get out of the bathtub anymore for a cold beer. its a million dollar idea
I honestly can't remember your justification for putting peanut butter on your cell phone.
That's the first time I've ever heard something that tickled both my gag reflex and my penis simultaneously.
Come over, we're having a tea party. And by a tea party I mean we're drinking whiskey from tea cups.
I won't trust your judgement until the word stripper doesn't make me laugh
She said she was hoping I'd be hotter. I told her I didn't see anybody standing in line to titty fuck her either. She was a great kisser.
I tried to have sex on someone's sisters horse last night
I may have interrupted sex but im bringing them both to McDonalds. Am I not the greatest older sister ever?
It’s so white trash that I almost have to have it.
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