I woke up and she had washed, dried, folded my clothes, cooked me breakfast, and had started cleaning my room
haha, you sure you didnt fuck your mom?
I guess you can say it's a tradition... whoever brings home the ugliest guy has to do all the cleaning the next day
Also, I once came to the conclusion after this one boy, that her pleasure condoms are a college boys version of flowers
He tried to carry her to her room after she passed out, but when he picked her up she came back to, saw him, screamed rape and pulled out her vuvuzela app and blasting it like a rape whistle.
I'm using my ex boyfriends dog to find a guy at the park I could see fuck buddy potential in. I'm the queen of irony.
You need to simmer down or I'm going to buy you a labia leash.
We made a bet that we had to talk like Yoda all night at the bars
Tell me not to purchase 500 ball pit balls and a kiddy pool
No
Im drinking ciroc out of an ice cream cone... my night is going fantastic
I realize it truly is impossible to burrow under the grass like a mole. Let's not drink for at least another 3 days.
I really just want to eat 20 mcnuggets and slap everyone with the box when I'm done.
He told me he felt like he was just pistol-whipped by Testicle Man.
My Canadian brought me three bottles of maple syrup, a sunflower, and a pair of Oakleys back to the states...he's either drunk or he loves me
It is a bad day indeed when you learn that your boy toy looks better in your dresses than you do
Had a dream I went to Disney to visit you and then I got really drunk and puked all over these little kids in line
Randomize
