My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
i no longer even have beer goggles. i'm pretty sure i blacked out and had beer lasik.
My valentine's day: watching The Notebook, and porn, eating chocolate, and ice cream. All while jacking off.
Wow... you've managed to cover all of the sad girl stereotypes that exist.
Drunk. Just jacked off for the third time in an hour. I love not being Catholic anymore.
i'm considering texting him with "i'm leaving the country for a year, wanna fuck?"
do it. it's every man's dream.
Hold on. She's wrapped herself in toilet paper and is scaring the dog.
Too many margaritas?
Literally getting boned by my flask right now. I didn't really think about this whole sneaking past security in a skin tight dress.
A true measure of a good friend is how long she responds to her friends drunken illogical texts. Youre a champ.
It probably isn't a good idea to go home with last night's hookup's brother. And sister.
Probably is probably an understatement.
before we left she put a post-it on the floor next to the toilet saying she was a pretty pretty princess
I don't think the best pickup line was. Hey I have never made a girl orgasm before but I'm sure it will work on someone like you.
you were bawling because you felt bad for being so drunk and then you asked for a beer
When you're high, you dance like an injured velociraptor.
I have bits of ceiling fan all over now
I'm doing my drinking workout. 20 pushups for each beer I finish. I should write a fucking book
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