I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
Yeah true. Damn vaginas. They're ruining the world.
She has never blacked out. I have tried to get her to so many times. Apparently it's a lot harder than we make it out to be.
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
I just used celery as a chaser. That's the level of my refrigerator.
You would think that someone would have been sober enough to object to vodka bong races.
I just want to see him this morning so I can bask in my wasted accomplishment.
Fuck a-yeah! I just found a wine key. Let 'Don't Fuck With Me Friday' commence.
I mean like, my liver will beg my brain for mercy. Brainll be like I'm Greg Jennings. Liverll be like I'm Darren Sharper. Brainll be like hold my diiiiick.
Question: should I be considering heels or is this the kind of night where I should plan on falling on my face regardless of my choice of footwear?
I woke up tied to my bed while she was in the corner staring at me while eating cereal. Interesting night!
Oh my god, I totally forgot we call your penis "Godzilla's Tail".
I really wanna just be like, can you just eat me out and stop whining
I think that would solve a million problems
Do you know how hard it is to be while you're high with a chuck Norris poster in the bathroom?
I know how vodka works Grace. I'm drunk, not stupid.
Randomize
