Just tried calling my phone on my phone because i thought i lost my phone.
You wouldn't stop asking the hibachi cook if his knife was a hattori hanzo
I could give you a full detailed description of 75% of the penises in that room
Please sleep at your girlfriend's tonight
Why?
'Cause I wanna jack off tonight.. And you being in the room makes things awkward
I just walked by a party bus on my way to study. God hates me.
You grabbed her hand and started jacking her finger off. She was horrified.
Did it finish?
FUCK BUDDYS DON'T HOLD HANDS. NO EXCEPTIONS.
Also was told that I was her "third favourite booty call" - I'm taking this a good thing right?
It's a podium place so yeah...
someone just got arrested on campus...
holy fuck look at all that cocaine
Some nights you just end up digging your mcdouble out of the trash and eating it. it happens.
I just realized that you're going to be drunk for daylight savings time again. Godspeed.
That's how pantless uber rides happen
Is it possible for mice to climb? If so I think mice are climbing into my bed in the night and playing with my hair..
If I'm legally allowed to go to jail than I should legally be allowed to tell a cop to fuck off. Basic principles.
Yea, but did you really have to throw a sandwich at him??
How’s the date going?? Do you think he’s gonna cut your face off and wear it to his birthday party?
Randomize
